A confession

Hi friends! 
Again, it's been a while since I blogged. To be honest I lost a little confidence in my writing. Plus I've been on Uni holidays, so I've been suuuppeerrr busy lying on my bed, watching dvds, staying in my pajamas all day, stuffing my face and avoiding the gym. Seriously, holidays are hard work! 


But I'm writing today to get something off my chest. It's been bugging me for a while, and I think it's time I just admit it so I can move forward with my life. 


I'm a closet girly girl. 


I love romantic comedies, I get so excited when there's a new issue of Cosmo or Cleo, I drool over pretty make-up and beauty products, I trawl online shopping sites and analyse dresses, I can't walk past a shoe shop without Tony having to drag me away and I rock out to Beyonce in my car. 
I know what you're thinking. What's the big deal? You sound like every other girl out there. All my life I've been the sporty girl who mocked romance movies, wore sneakers instead of heels and never bothered with make up. 


Hence it's hard for me to admit that I love make up and pretty dresses, I'm obsessed with shoes and slightly addicted to shopping. 


This got me thinking about other things we all secretly love or hate. For example, my friend Anthony and I share a mutual secret love for Riverdance, and all things Irish. It's embarrassing and a little shameful, but we secretly love it. 
My friend Liv is super intelligent, indie, and blunt, but I've watched more chick flicks with her than anyone else. 
My boyfriend Tony refuses to watch The Notebook with me, but he did sit through Eat Pray Love with me one lazy Sunday afternoon, and he didn't completely hate it. 


So have a think about the things you secretly love but are too embarrassed to admit. And then look at yourself in the mirror and admit you love Sex and the City (and you're a dude) or you've seen all the Twilight movies and really felt for the characters. 

Proposals

I haven't blogger for a while (how have you lived without me?) but I'm back, with something I've been thinking about for the last couple of days. 


We've all seen some embarrassing marriage proposals on Youtube (tell me I'm not the only one watching them all day) and it has made me think about how there is a real lack of guidelines for proposals. You know, if there were just a few rules, maybe it wouldn't be such a hassle. 


So I've taken it upon myself to put together a few rules for the fellas (I say that only because it's usually the man proposing. Any ambitious ladies out there feel free to substitute "he" for "she" and you'll be fine). 


1. No public proposals. Ever. 


This one's important. It is not okay to propose to your girlfriend in the following places: 

• Sporting arena ( football, basketball, baseball, cricket etc)
• On national television 
• At a crowded restaurant 
• In front of her parents 
• In front of your parents
• In front of all your friends
• In some grossly romantic holiday destination*
• While she's in the shower** 

*this is fine and romantic if you're alone, but if it's a day trip and there are other tourists with you, not cool.

** slipping hazard.

When you propose in public, you have to be pretty damn confident she is going to say yes. Because if she doesn't,  you get to do the awkward 'walk out of here alone and don't make eye contact' exit.  Then again, if you've discussed it and she's assured you she'll say yes when you propose at the AFL grand final ... then get the hell out. You've ruined the romance already and now you're just proposing for the attention.

No public proposals. They make everyone (including your potential future wife) really uncomfortable. 

2. Don't know her middle name? Probably too soon. 


There's always stories told around a dinner table about a friend of a friend who is marrying a girl he's only been with a few months. And we all go "ooohhh" and "aaahhh" and screw up our faces disapprovingly. Because we all know that sometimes it works out. But these are the types of people who believe in true love and destiny and don't think practically like "I haven't checked if he has dead bodies in the freezer". What's the rush? If you love her, that's wonderful! Congratulations, you have what everyone else out there is looking for! Now don't screw it up by proposing after a couple of months!!!! Why not just be together a while?
So fellas out there, think about how it comes across if you propose too early. 


Your perspective: "Super romantic. I'm getting laid tonight!" 
Her perspective: "say whaaaaaattttttttttt? serial killer... BAIL!" 

3. Most girls don't respond well to being scared shitless. 


This rule is very specific to a video I found on Youtube which is pretty cool and a very creative way to propose. But when I thought about it, I don't think I would be too pleased about being proposed to this way. Nothing like giving your girl a heart attack to get the romance going. 

4. Flashmobs - too much effort. 


Here's the thing with flashmobs - I freaking love them. It cracks me up and warms my icy cold heart to see people dancing to The Sound of Music in a train station. So they're amazing, and if you are going to go to all that effort to propose, she is one lucky girl! But there's still the risk that she'll say no. And then you've gone to hours and hours of effort rehearsing and getting everyone to participate and after aaallllll  that she still might turn around and say "yeah thanks, but no!" So it's super risky, as is any public proposal. 
This is a cool one though. 

I guess what's most important is doing something that is fitting to your partner's personality and your relationship. If she's a girly girl and expects romance, give it to her. Get rose petals and champagne and an Italian dude playing violin. If she's laid back and easy going, keep it simple and relaxed. If you're entire relationship began at clown school and you love practical jokes, spray her in the face with your lapel flower/water gun then pull out the ring! 


Go out and marry, you crazy kids! 

X Factor

Unlike what feels like the entire Australian population, I am not excited about the X factor. Or Australia's Got Talent. Because while everyone sits at home and laughs at the teenager who is "singing" his lungs out (I put singing in quotation marks because 90% of the time it sounds like a family of cats drowing) I feel horrible. Because yes it is mildly amusing for those of us sitting at home. But those people have to go back to work or school the next day knowing that everyone at work watched them completely bomb out last night.


Awkward.


It's even worse when they go out there with this false sense of confidence, parading around the stage because they think, no they KNOW, they are the shit. The bee's knees. Numero uno, cream of the crop. The judges are going to cry, give me a standing ovation and the crowd will immediately make a Facebook group about me. I'm going to be a STAR!


And then the judges completely shut them down, normally because they deserve it as they have just insulted our ears, and they stand there stunned because all these years they thought they were a great singer.
And that's where the problem is for me. At some point in this kids life they asked their parents "Mum, dad, am I a good singer?" And mum and dad glanced momentarily at each other and then said "of course you are honey!" Because where was the harm right? It's not like the kid was ever going to pursue a career as the next Britney. No point in crushing her confidence now while she's young an impressionable. Let her sing, it's not like she'll audition for some nationally televised talent program where she'll embarrass herself and be completely crushed.


WRONG, MUM AND DAD!


Now you have to pick up the pieces as your child is gutted by the humiliation. Well done folks, maybe you should have gently told her to stick to netball, or mime.

Interview with a one-year-old

This is a really clever video I found and I feel the need to share it. This kid is adorable and the dad has a very dry sense of humour. And together, they're hilarious! 

I wish life was more like soap operas...

Wouldn't it be great if life was more like soap operas? I just feel like my life needs more drama, you know? I feel like someone in my life needs to drive their car off a cliff, and we all mourn their death and have a heart felt service paying tribute to them. And then months later, when we've all started to move on with our lives... BEHOLD! The doorbell rings and there, standing in the rain (rain adds dramatic effect, you see) is the person we all thought was dead! Turns out he was in knocked unconscious and lost his memory in the accident, and a lonely Native American pulled him from the wreckage and nursed him back to health from the warmth and comfort of his teepee. There, as they drank goat's milk and ate bulls testicles (I clearly know very little about Native American delicacies) , he slowly found his strength and his identity. He also learned some badass skills like how to do a rain dance and weave a fashionable breech cloth and fashion a spear out of a branch. (There's always some sort of personal transformation and enlightenment.. so I figure making a spear is pretty enlightened).

And then maybe I can meet an older gentleman who woo's me with his charm and wit. At first I'm hesitant to start anything with him because I'm concerned about the age difference. And my friends are telling me I'm too young to settle down and I'm making a mistake.  But just as my heart is set on pursuing a beautiful life with this older man, my mother announces that she once had a fling with this man... and there's a good chance that he's... MY FATHER!

And then I think one of my friends needs to have an evil twin that locks the good twin up in a basement and pretends to be the good twin, all the while manipulating our friends and stealing money.



And then at random intervals during conversations, we could dramatically turn away from each other, and pull really dramatic and troubled faces so it seems like we're really hurt by the discussion that is happening. There would be a fire place in every room of the house, of course, just so I could dramatically lean on it and stare into the fire pensively before making some bold statement that shocks everyone, and leads to an ad break.



Dawson is totally nailing the appropriate
 soap opera crying face



I suppose I would have to get extensive plastic surgery so that I never age, and look more and more tacky as I get older. I think I'll have to slap my boyfriend more though, they always seem to slap each other in these shows. Oh and we'll all have to cry ... all the time. And not just a simple tear rolling down the cheek, I want grotesque, puffy faces and mascara running down cheeks. Only the best tears for my soap opera life!

I've been watching some old Thank God You're Here clips on Youtube (yep, my job is that cool/boring that I have to resort to Youtube) and this is one of my favourites ever. He's such a loose cannon on stage, you never know what you're going to get. Love it!

little piggy!

Dear Little Piggy, 


Every time I look at this photo of you, I laugh uncontrollably. And then I make high pitched noises that women make when we see cute things eg. babies, tiny pigs wearing gumboots, a shoe sale etc. 


Firstly, I have to ask, where on earth did you find gumboots so delightfully small? And did you have to buy two pairs or was there a special four pack for piggies? 


Secondly, since when did animals care if their feet (or in your case, hooves) get muddy? In fact, if I do recall correctly, I thought pigs LOVED rolling around in mud? (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, the extent of my pig knowledge is from Charlotte's Web) (the original cartoon, not the Dakota Fanning remake).


And thirdly, thanks for being so cute and making me giggle. My boyfriend rolls his eyes at me whenever I talk to your picture (I think it's mainly because I talk really fast and high pitched. Something along the lines of "awww liddle piggy wearing widdle gumboots!") But he just doesn't understand. 


If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, perhaps a raincoat could be your next investment? Followed by a matching hat. Then I would well and truly lose my shit. 


Kind regards, 


Jess 

Social media; is it getting out of hand?

As a child of the 21st Century, it pains me to say this. 

Technology scares the crap out of me. 

Yes I spend most of my time on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and right here on my very own blog, but that's about the extent of my technological exploration. I'm a wiz with Microsoft Word and I can whip up a mean powerpoint presentation, but I really wouldn't consider myself tech savvy. 

Which is why I was stunned by some the statistics in the video below. 50% of the world's population is under 30 years old. WHAT!? So despite the fact that I still feel like a kid and my mummy still does my washing, my opinion and vote actually counts for something?? We're equally responsible for running the world, but we're too busy playing video games and tagging embarrassing photos of our friends on Facebook. 

Then I start to feel old because kindergarten students are learning on iPads, not blackboards. As if! I still had blackboards in grade six, what the hell is a 3 year old going to do with an iPad? 

Technology has progressed so quickly in a really short period of time and I personally find it strange and overwhelming. I'm one of those old school people who will give my kids books to read, not an e-reader. I'll make them play outside, not make them play farmville. They'll have bikes, not xbox's. And no, my 3 year old daughter will not be wearing make up and mini skirts.

Anyway, enough of my old fashioned rants. Have a look at the video and see what you think. I think technology can give us so much, but also takes a lot away. 

overshare.

I haven't blogged for a long time, apologise to my many fans out there (cough). I've been so swamped with procrastinating for exams that I haven't had time. Plus I haven't had many interesting ideas, my mind has been full of exam revision.

I have something to share, but beware I get a little worked up about this.

Recently, the office I work in hired a temp to fill a position for two weeks. The first night we worked together she had told me her life story. Meanwhile, if I ever dared to interject a "uh huh" or a "oh that's interesting" I was swiftly shut down as she continued to talk. And it got me thinking ; I can't stand people who share their life story with you on the first meeting. Seriously , witihin 10 minutes I knew all about her last job and the people who worked there, where she lived, her favourite book, her upcoming trip to New York and I think I was about to learn her bloody pin number but luckily I faked a need to pee and bailed for a moment's peace.

Now it's bad enough that she would not shut the hell up, but another thing that got on my nerves was this.
"Yeah my last job was a bit different, it was out of my comfort zone ya know? I had met with Louise for the interview but it was Chris that trained me and I was always going to him or David and asking basic questions because it was just so hard!"

...... WHO THE FUCK IS LOUISE?? I hate it when people tell you a story and make reference to people by name, when they've offered no explanation as to who this person is. Am I supposed to know Louise? Oh yeah Louise, blonde lady with the mug with a picture of her cat on it. Lovely lady, Louise, I just love her. How am I supposed to follow your story when you talk about these people like they're our mutual friends. Then again, I wasn't following the story anyway. Couldn't she see I was studying / catching up on Masterchef online? I'm giving you all my "do not disturb/ fuck off" signals and  you're still nattering away. Honestly, if I tried to even agree with her or ask her a question about her inane story (because I'm too bloody polite) she'd talk over me. I'M TRYING TO BE A PART OF THIS CONVERSATION, YOU MOLE!

The next week I tried a new tactic. Put in my earphones and ignore her. Then if she's particularly persistant, just apologise and say "Oh I'm sorry, I had my earphones in, I couldn't hear you". Then she gets the idea that if youy earphones are in, you're not going to respond to chat. Not that  I could anyway, she wouldn't let me get a word in. Maybe she was talking to me the whole time I was watching TV shows on my computer, I doubt she'd notice that I wasn't listening.

So the moral of the story is ;
1. Don't refer to people by name unless the person you're talking to also knows these people. If you have the overwhelming need to mention their name, first explain who the fuck they are.
2. Let others contribute to conversation. Shut ya hole for 2 seconds!
3. If you're known someone less than 12 hours, spare them the details of your 5th birthday. Save that for another day.
4. Earphones work when people are too dumb to take hints.

Can you really call it reality TV?

Masterchef is back. Therefore my evenings are no longer available to see friends, study, pay attention to my boyfriend or make some use of that pesky gym membership. Because I need to know what's going on with my dear friends Gary, George and Matt and those crazy few who put themselves through the pain of being a contestant on "reality" TV.



fake tanning your 3 year old...
 that's healthy



But here's the thing; I hate reality TV. With a passion. And I always have. I never watched Big Brother, Australian Idol, The Biggest Loser, Australia's Got Talent, Keeping up with the Kardashians or any of that crap. I hate them! Why would I want to watch stupid people living in a house together, or obese people running on a treadmill? Where's the appeal? How am I supposed to inhale a packet of tim tams and yell "RUN FATTY RUN!" at the same time without feeling a little guilty?

Granted there are different levels of absurdity when it comes to these shows. Some are somewhat educational or at least have some sort of positive message.

Then there's shows like Toddlers and Tiaras, Don't tell the Bride, Who's Wedding is it Anyway?, Keeping up with the Kardashians and Jersey Shore. What could I possibly gain from watching these shows? Here's how I imagine a conversation goes when watching these shows :
"Hey, what are you watching?"
"Don't tell the Bride. The groom has to organise the whole wedding and the bride knows nothing. It's classic!"
"...yeah.. sounds classic alright..."
"Oh maaaaan! check out the dress he chose for her!! She wanted a princess dress, all the bells and whistles, and this dumbass has bought her a freaking nighty! Not a single dimonte or piece of bling! Oh man she's going to be sooooo pissed... 

... where'd you go?"

Yeah, you'll lose friends if you get too into these shows. 

I'll admit I've watched them. Don't tell the Bride and Four Weddings are classics, but only if you can watch them with your tongue firmly in your cheek. You have to be able to laugh at these people who put themselves through the stupidist things just for their 15 seconds of fame. The only reason I can ever watch these shows is because I'm fascinated by people and what motivates them to do strange things. I like to watch the way they interact, and how fake they can be when they know there's a camera there. 

Masterchef on the other hand.. is awesome. 

shut up, I know I'm calling the kettle black! But I don't have time to talk about it, George is lecturing a girl on Greek salad. TV GOLD!! 

The uncomfortable truth.

I have a theory that I feel needs to be shared with the world. It's time to come clean guys, there's something that we all encounter and despite our best efforts we struggle to disguise our discomfort.

We all secretly hate being around couples.

I know, GROUND BREAKING. Obviously no one likes being around those couples that, in a sick twist on The Human Centipede,seem to have surgically attached their mouths together. And pet names are not okay. Ever. But I'll save that rant for a bit later.

The extreme couples who can't function without each other are a handful. But I've realised that for some weird reason, I hate being around any two people who are even vaguely romantically linked. For some reason I feel so uncomfortable because at any second they might *gasp* ...kiss. Where do I look if they kiss? Is it weird to keep looking at them? What if I was looking at them before they kissed, is it weird to quickly look away? WHERE DO I LOOK!?!
How am I supposed to sit when I'm watching TV with a couple? I don't want to look too comfortable, that will only encourage them to think they're behaviour is acceptable. But I don't want to look uncomfortable either, then they'll think I'm a weirdo who feels uncomfortable around couples.
I liken my anxiety to that feeling we all had when we were kids, when you're at a friends house and your friend gets in trouble with their parents. You stare at the floor, pretend the fridge magnets are particularly fascinating or pretend you have to pee. That is how I feel with couples.

And while I'm on the topic, people who tell friends / acqaintances details of their sex life... just stop. Come on, I don't need to know. Now I won't be able to look at your boyfriend / girlfriend the same again. You've ruined a friendship here. Thanks a bunch.

AND! pet names. When are they ever okay? Never. Okay too harsh, they're fine as long as the pet name isn't 'pooky' or 'mr snuggles' or 'baby cakes'. Call each other whatever you want... when you're alone. I don't want to be casually doing the groceries or running on the treadmill at the gym and hear 'snookie pants'. Don't ruin other people's days by revealing your pet names to the wider world, it's just inhumane.
And yes, for those of you who know me, this is incredibly hypocritical.
I am in a relationship and my lord do we love to cuddle. Anywhere, anytime. On the couch, at the supermarket, at the movies, and at a red light.

Yes, we call each other buba.

Or bub.
Or occassionally baby.

But I make a very concious effort to call him by his name in public, and save Buba for when we're at home. Sometimes it slips out, and I have recieved some weird looks from friends ("Buba? Did you just call him Buba?").

And we limit cuddle time to when we're alone, or if people around we make it a little sneaky one.

But to my friends who I have accidently made a third wheel, I am deeply sorry, as I know the discomfort it creates.

So to all the couples out there, do the world a favour and sit at opposite ends of the couch.

Regards,

Human Race

Trams make nice people assholes

I'm lucky, you know. I live close to my local train station, so I can walk there and catch a train into work in the city. It's convenient and it's great. Except for the assholes.

It's Monday morning. As a Uni student, the fact that I'm up at such an ungodly hour (7 am) is hard enough for me. Eyes half closed, handbag too heavy and shoes too uncomfortable, I'm not functioning. Nor should any normal human being at that hour.

I manage to stumble to the train station, no dramas. I get a seat, I plug myself into my ipod and I watch my fellow commuters fall asleep on the train (morning train bobble heads - always entertaining).

All's well and it could almost be a lovely day. But then I get off and Flinders Street station. Urrggh.

By this time it's about 8am, I start work in half an hour. It's a 15 minute tram ride down St Kilda Rd, shouldn't be a problem right? I'll be there early even!

Nuh uh.

See, the key word in that sentence was "tram". Don't get me wrong, they're pretty wicked. No other city in Australia has them so it's a trademark of Melbourne. But at 8am, normal people become massive sons of bitches.

Obviously, as Flinders Street is a very central area, it's a busy place at peak hour. This is to be expected, so I always acknowledge that once I wander down the steps of Flinders Street Station and cross the road I'm going to be surrounded by people who have no concern for my personal space... or my feet, which apparently make an excellent substitute for the ground.

But the last couple of weeks, it hasn't just been crowded. It's been packed, I'm talking 'Jesus is back and he's on that tram!' kind of packed. And not only has in been impossible to stand on the platform without inadvertantly touching someone else in a strange place, people have also had a serious attitude adjustment. There's no such thing as manners anymore, oh no. It's every man for himself and we're not afraid to use elbows!

One woman in particular had no interest in the well-being of others. She had her elbows out and her 'fuck off' face on; she was standing aside for NO ONE.

( artist's depiction of the woman's 'fuck off' face >>>>>)

With each new tram that arrived, it felt like more and more people arrived at the tram stop too, seriously effecting my chances of getting on a freaking tram. And with each new tram came a new asshole. A man who I assumed to be a sweet old man pushed me out of his way and sent me flying into a group of school kids in order to get on to the tram before me. And might I add, it wasn't even subtle. It was a full on hand on upper arm 'out of my way!' push. Geez old man, just relax!

I get a little anxious in large crowds, I always feel uncomfortable. I mean, I steer clear of Chaddy of a weekend, THAT'S how much I hate crowds. So needless to say I was feeling a bit iffy on this platform .

FINALLY after my faith in humanity was completely destroyed, I managed to find some space neatly squeezed between a business mans chest and a school girls gigantic school bag and I was on my way to work! Mmmm cosy!

It's sad really, when did people stop caring about others?

A long time ago.

But when did we stop pretending to care and be courteous in order to keep up appearances and not look like a jerk? Gosh it's a crazy mixed up world.

Personally, I still cling to a tiny bit of courtesy. Just a bit. I'll give way to people if they're coming through a door. I'll always thank people for stepping aside for me. I'll give a nod to a busker who actually has talent. Because I want to hold on to the fact that the world is still good. So when I arrived at work (finally) and my co-workers said "how are you Jess?" I replied with "Good thanks" because why bore them with the whole tale of my morning?

That's what my blog is for...

Maybe Grandma had the right idea..

What's happening with marriage these days? And our lives in general?


In recent years we have developed a sense of entitlement when it comes to happiness. We, as a society, seek our own personal happiness by travelling the world, trying to find love, spoiling ourselves and putting ourselves first. And so we should. Everyone is entitled to happiness and should do anything the can to find it. But I think these days we're doing it at the expense of losing the things that do in fact already make us happy. With this constant searching, we never take the time to stop and appreciate the wonderful things that we do have. Partners, families, careers and homes are not enough for us anymore.


Now, don't get my wrong. I am not here to argue that divorce is a terrible sin. I think there are many circumstances in which marriages just don't work anymore. Abusive relationships, infidelity, lying and just not loving each other anymore are all factors that do so often result in a break up of a relationship. But these days it seems like couples enter a marriage taking solace in the fact that if it doesn't work out they can just get divorced. Since when did "til death do us part" become "til boredom do us encounter" ?


My grandparents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary last year. Nine kids and twelve grandchildren later and they're still happily living together in peace. My parents have been married for 32 years this year and still make each other laugh. But could you argue that it's the attitude of their generations that has meant my parents and grandparents have stuck together through thick and thin?


Granted, divorce was a dirty word for a very long time. So I'm sure when couples of my grandparents generation were planning on getting married, there was a sense of acceptance that they're life would be spent with this man or woman... no exceptions.


Which leads me back to my original point. We find the perfect partner, settle down, choose to marry each other... but the whole time we're seeking a new happiness. The "old" boyfriend isn't good enough now. He doesn't bring home flowers anymore, he pays more attention to his video games than he used to, and his mates seem to have moved into your living room. But before you pack your bags and book your plane tickets to some exotic destination with the intention of finding new love, just stop and have a think. He's not perfect, but he still tells you you're beautiful, will sit for hours on the couch cuddling you and listening to you talk about your bad day, helps with the cooking and gets along with your mum. You already have what other women spend their lives searching for, so remember that you love him for the great things he does, not the few flaws he has. He's human after all!


By all means, take advantage of every opportunity that life presents you with and stop at nothing to find your own happiness. But sometimes it's already there in front of you. So make sure you stop and take time to appreciate what you already have. You never know, you may have had it all along.