X Factor

Unlike what feels like the entire Australian population, I am not excited about the X factor. Or Australia's Got Talent. Because while everyone sits at home and laughs at the teenager who is "singing" his lungs out (I put singing in quotation marks because 90% of the time it sounds like a family of cats drowing) I feel horrible. Because yes it is mildly amusing for those of us sitting at home. But those people have to go back to work or school the next day knowing that everyone at work watched them completely bomb out last night.


Awkward.


It's even worse when they go out there with this false sense of confidence, parading around the stage because they think, no they KNOW, they are the shit. The bee's knees. Numero uno, cream of the crop. The judges are going to cry, give me a standing ovation and the crowd will immediately make a Facebook group about me. I'm going to be a STAR!


And then the judges completely shut them down, normally because they deserve it as they have just insulted our ears, and they stand there stunned because all these years they thought they were a great singer.
And that's where the problem is for me. At some point in this kids life they asked their parents "Mum, dad, am I a good singer?" And mum and dad glanced momentarily at each other and then said "of course you are honey!" Because where was the harm right? It's not like the kid was ever going to pursue a career as the next Britney. No point in crushing her confidence now while she's young an impressionable. Let her sing, it's not like she'll audition for some nationally televised talent program where she'll embarrass herself and be completely crushed.


WRONG, MUM AND DAD!


Now you have to pick up the pieces as your child is gutted by the humiliation. Well done folks, maybe you should have gently told her to stick to netball, or mime.

Interview with a one-year-old

This is a really clever video I found and I feel the need to share it. This kid is adorable and the dad has a very dry sense of humour. And together, they're hilarious! 

I wish life was more like soap operas...

Wouldn't it be great if life was more like soap operas? I just feel like my life needs more drama, you know? I feel like someone in my life needs to drive their car off a cliff, and we all mourn their death and have a heart felt service paying tribute to them. And then months later, when we've all started to move on with our lives... BEHOLD! The doorbell rings and there, standing in the rain (rain adds dramatic effect, you see) is the person we all thought was dead! Turns out he was in knocked unconscious and lost his memory in the accident, and a lonely Native American pulled him from the wreckage and nursed him back to health from the warmth and comfort of his teepee. There, as they drank goat's milk and ate bulls testicles (I clearly know very little about Native American delicacies) , he slowly found his strength and his identity. He also learned some badass skills like how to do a rain dance and weave a fashionable breech cloth and fashion a spear out of a branch. (There's always some sort of personal transformation and enlightenment.. so I figure making a spear is pretty enlightened).

And then maybe I can meet an older gentleman who woo's me with his charm and wit. At first I'm hesitant to start anything with him because I'm concerned about the age difference. And my friends are telling me I'm too young to settle down and I'm making a mistake.  But just as my heart is set on pursuing a beautiful life with this older man, my mother announces that she once had a fling with this man... and there's a good chance that he's... MY FATHER!

And then I think one of my friends needs to have an evil twin that locks the good twin up in a basement and pretends to be the good twin, all the while manipulating our friends and stealing money.



And then at random intervals during conversations, we could dramatically turn away from each other, and pull really dramatic and troubled faces so it seems like we're really hurt by the discussion that is happening. There would be a fire place in every room of the house, of course, just so I could dramatically lean on it and stare into the fire pensively before making some bold statement that shocks everyone, and leads to an ad break.



Dawson is totally nailing the appropriate
 soap opera crying face



I suppose I would have to get extensive plastic surgery so that I never age, and look more and more tacky as I get older. I think I'll have to slap my boyfriend more though, they always seem to slap each other in these shows. Oh and we'll all have to cry ... all the time. And not just a simple tear rolling down the cheek, I want grotesque, puffy faces and mascara running down cheeks. Only the best tears for my soap opera life!

I've been watching some old Thank God You're Here clips on Youtube (yep, my job is that cool/boring that I have to resort to Youtube) and this is one of my favourites ever. He's such a loose cannon on stage, you never know what you're going to get. Love it!

little piggy!

Dear Little Piggy, 


Every time I look at this photo of you, I laugh uncontrollably. And then I make high pitched noises that women make when we see cute things eg. babies, tiny pigs wearing gumboots, a shoe sale etc. 


Firstly, I have to ask, where on earth did you find gumboots so delightfully small? And did you have to buy two pairs or was there a special four pack for piggies? 


Secondly, since when did animals care if their feet (or in your case, hooves) get muddy? In fact, if I do recall correctly, I thought pigs LOVED rolling around in mud? (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, the extent of my pig knowledge is from Charlotte's Web) (the original cartoon, not the Dakota Fanning remake).


And thirdly, thanks for being so cute and making me giggle. My boyfriend rolls his eyes at me whenever I talk to your picture (I think it's mainly because I talk really fast and high pitched. Something along the lines of "awww liddle piggy wearing widdle gumboots!") But he just doesn't understand. 


If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, perhaps a raincoat could be your next investment? Followed by a matching hat. Then I would well and truly lose my shit. 


Kind regards, 


Jess 

Social media; is it getting out of hand?

As a child of the 21st Century, it pains me to say this. 

Technology scares the crap out of me. 

Yes I spend most of my time on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and right here on my very own blog, but that's about the extent of my technological exploration. I'm a wiz with Microsoft Word and I can whip up a mean powerpoint presentation, but I really wouldn't consider myself tech savvy. 

Which is why I was stunned by some the statistics in the video below. 50% of the world's population is under 30 years old. WHAT!? So despite the fact that I still feel like a kid and my mummy still does my washing, my opinion and vote actually counts for something?? We're equally responsible for running the world, but we're too busy playing video games and tagging embarrassing photos of our friends on Facebook. 

Then I start to feel old because kindergarten students are learning on iPads, not blackboards. As if! I still had blackboards in grade six, what the hell is a 3 year old going to do with an iPad? 

Technology has progressed so quickly in a really short period of time and I personally find it strange and overwhelming. I'm one of those old school people who will give my kids books to read, not an e-reader. I'll make them play outside, not make them play farmville. They'll have bikes, not xbox's. And no, my 3 year old daughter will not be wearing make up and mini skirts.

Anyway, enough of my old fashioned rants. Have a look at the video and see what you think. I think technology can give us so much, but also takes a lot away. 

overshare.

I haven't blogged for a long time, apologise to my many fans out there (cough). I've been so swamped with procrastinating for exams that I haven't had time. Plus I haven't had many interesting ideas, my mind has been full of exam revision.

I have something to share, but beware I get a little worked up about this.

Recently, the office I work in hired a temp to fill a position for two weeks. The first night we worked together she had told me her life story. Meanwhile, if I ever dared to interject a "uh huh" or a "oh that's interesting" I was swiftly shut down as she continued to talk. And it got me thinking ; I can't stand people who share their life story with you on the first meeting. Seriously , witihin 10 minutes I knew all about her last job and the people who worked there, where she lived, her favourite book, her upcoming trip to New York and I think I was about to learn her bloody pin number but luckily I faked a need to pee and bailed for a moment's peace.

Now it's bad enough that she would not shut the hell up, but another thing that got on my nerves was this.
"Yeah my last job was a bit different, it was out of my comfort zone ya know? I had met with Louise for the interview but it was Chris that trained me and I was always going to him or David and asking basic questions because it was just so hard!"

...... WHO THE FUCK IS LOUISE?? I hate it when people tell you a story and make reference to people by name, when they've offered no explanation as to who this person is. Am I supposed to know Louise? Oh yeah Louise, blonde lady with the mug with a picture of her cat on it. Lovely lady, Louise, I just love her. How am I supposed to follow your story when you talk about these people like they're our mutual friends. Then again, I wasn't following the story anyway. Couldn't she see I was studying / catching up on Masterchef online? I'm giving you all my "do not disturb/ fuck off" signals and  you're still nattering away. Honestly, if I tried to even agree with her or ask her a question about her inane story (because I'm too bloody polite) she'd talk over me. I'M TRYING TO BE A PART OF THIS CONVERSATION, YOU MOLE!

The next week I tried a new tactic. Put in my earphones and ignore her. Then if she's particularly persistant, just apologise and say "Oh I'm sorry, I had my earphones in, I couldn't hear you". Then she gets the idea that if youy earphones are in, you're not going to respond to chat. Not that  I could anyway, she wouldn't let me get a word in. Maybe she was talking to me the whole time I was watching TV shows on my computer, I doubt she'd notice that I wasn't listening.

So the moral of the story is ;
1. Don't refer to people by name unless the person you're talking to also knows these people. If you have the overwhelming need to mention their name, first explain who the fuck they are.
2. Let others contribute to conversation. Shut ya hole for 2 seconds!
3. If you're known someone less than 12 hours, spare them the details of your 5th birthday. Save that for another day.
4. Earphones work when people are too dumb to take hints.