I have a theory that I feel needs to be shared with the world. It's time to come clean guys, there's something that we all encounter and despite our best efforts we struggle to disguise our discomfort.
We all secretly hate being around couples.
I know, GROUND BREAKING. Obviously no one likes being around those couples that, in a sick twist on The Human Centipede,seem to have surgically attached their mouths together. And pet names are not okay. Ever. But I'll save that rant for a bit later.
The extreme couples who can't function without each other are a handful. But I've realised that for some weird reason, I hate being around any two people who are even vaguely romantically linked. For some reason I feel so uncomfortable because at any second they might *gasp* ...kiss. Where do I look if they kiss? Is it weird to keep looking at them? What if I was looking at them before they kissed, is it weird to quickly look away? WHERE DO I LOOK!?! How am I supposed to sit when I'm watching TV with a couple? I don't want to look too comfortable, that will only encourage them to think they're behaviour is acceptable. But I don't want to look uncomfortable either, then they'll think I'm a weirdo who feels uncomfortable around couples.
I liken my anxiety to that feeling we all had when we were kids, when you're at a friends house and your friend gets in trouble with their parents. You stare at the floor, pretend the fridge magnets are particularly fascinating or pretend you have to pee. That is how I feel with couples.
And while I'm on the topic, people who tell friends / acqaintances details of their sex life... just stop. Come on, I don't need to know. Now I won't be able to look at your boyfriend / girlfriend the same again. You've ruined a friendship here. Thanks a bunch.
AND! pet names. When are they ever okay? Never. Okay too harsh, they're fine as long as the pet name isn't 'pooky' or 'mr snuggles' or 'baby cakes'. Call each other whatever you want... when you're alone. I don't want to be casually doing the groceries or running on the treadmill at the gym and hear 'snookie pants'. Don't ruin other people's days by revealing your pet names to the wider world, it's just inhumane.
And yes, for those of you who know me, this is incredibly hypocritical.
I am in a relationship and my lord do we love to cuddle. Anywhere, anytime. On the couch, at the supermarket, at the movies, and at a red light.
Yes, we call each other buba.
Or bub. Or occassionally baby.
But I make a very concious effort to call him by his name in public, and save Buba for when we're at home. Sometimes it slips out, and I have recieved some weird looks from friends ("Buba? Did you just call him Buba?").
And we limit cuddle time to when we're alone, or if people around we make it a little sneaky one.
But to my friends who I have accidently made a third wheel, I am deeply sorry, as I know the discomfort it creates.
So to all the couples out there, do the world a favour and sit at opposite ends of the couch.
Regards,
Human Race 
